When a loved one receives a prison sentence, whether for a few years or for life, family members and friends may be filled with anxiety and despair. For them, prison is a black box with no future and no hope. What family members want for loved ones is to be surrounded with compassionate people who will be there for them, be available when they are ready to deal with what is happening in their lives, and to show them a way forward. This is unlikely to happen in prison.
At the same time, there are ways loved ones can make a meaningful life in prison. People on the outside can be a cheering section and encourage them to seek opportunities that make things better.
12-Step Programs
Supporting their dignity and worth is important. Prison can be an assault on dignity in large and small ways. Down deep, people in prison often feel ashamed and worthless.
If there is a time when loved ones are receptive, people on the outside can gently suggest that they consider joining support groups such as 12-step programs that offer guidance on how to live with guilt, shame, worthlessness, loss, rage, and helplessness. These are just some of the emotions that prisoners feel.
Paid Work
Prisons offer paid work. It’s a little bit of money, but paid work not only produces cash but also creates a sense of dignity and self-respect. Inmates need money in their commissary account to buy personal care products like deodorant and shampoo. They also buy their own civilian clothes like shoes, clothing, books, and many other items. Loved ones take pride in being able to send money to their families and to remember children and other family members on birthdays and holidays.
Since the pay for prison work is so low—sometimes less than $1 an hour, people on the outside can make sure loved ones have enough money. Also, they can send care packages of favorite baked goods and other food, as well as clothes and footwear.
Finding Positions of Trust
There are educational and recreational programs that contribute to personal growth and a sense of accomplishment. A loved one who enjoys sports can do sports on the inside, for example.
Loved ones can work their way toward positions of trust, such as working in the library, delivering books to inmates, and scheduling group meetings. Being a trustee gives loved ones pride in contributing to life in prison.
Deal with Guilt, Shame, and Worthlessness
At some point, loved ones may be ready to look into themselves to deal with what happened in their lives to bring them to prison. The guilt and shame over injuring or killing someone as well as the impact of other crimes are enormous and can make people vulnerable to harm others again. Through programs like AA that are in prisons, loved ones can learn to manage not only their guilt and shame, but the emotions connected to the circumstances of their killing another human being or of less lethal crimes.
This is very difficult to do in prison, with its code of hypermasculity that means real men aren’t vulnerable. Yet, they are. Especially in prison, being a man who deals with his own vulnerability is a mark of courage. A reason to consider this pathway is that loved ones may at some point be able to forgive themselves. That would make prison life easier to bear. Women inmates, too, may not show vulnerability out of fear that other women will now know how to hurt them.
Being Cautious
It is a good idea to be cautious about who to share vulnerabilities with. If loved ones share with other inmates, some would respect privacy, but some would not. It can take time to figure who to trust.
In some prisons, there are counselors available who are on staff and volunteer counselors from the outside. That is a place to start. They are required to keep private matters private because of their profession’s code of ethics. They can’t keep confidential information about prison contraband like drugs, weapons, and someone’s plan to harm others. They also must report undisclosed crimes.
When prisoners have a life sentence, getting another conviction might not make a difference. With shorter sentences, however, getting another conviction can make a big difference.
Informed Decisions
Having undisclosed crimes come to light and talking to trusted people about them could result in more inner peace, although the response of prison personnel could be harsh. However, inmates have a Fifth Amendment right not to self-incriminate.
With this knowledge, loved ones can make informed decisions about who to talk to and what kinds of information are safe to share and what can happen if some information can result in further involvement with the law.
Talking to visitors who love them is another place to begin. It is possible that loved ones on the inside may find one or two others in the prison whom they observe long enough to know they are trustworthy. It is wise to be cautious. Non-professionals are not required by law to report undisclosed crimes.
Loved ones can write in journals about their own insecurities. Journals, however, are not completely private. During lockdowns, guards and other prison personnel search inmates’ bedrooms called cribs or houses. They have the right to read journals. Few would share the content of journals with inmates, but that could happen.
Safety
Prisons can be unsafe because some inmates dominate and may use physical and sexual assault to get what they want. This is illegal, and in well-run prisons inmates who act this way may are charged with crimes and go to court. They may be put in the “hole,” which is solitary confinement. In some prisons, they get away with it. If your loved one is threatened with physical and sexual assault or this happens to them, prison officials and other prisoners may protect them. If they don’t, then this is a terrible situation.
People on the outside can consult with attorneys to see what recourse loved ones might have. There are some on-line and in-person support groups for families and friends of prison inmates. These could provide a community of people who understand what you and your loved one are going through. Their stories may give you ideas on how to cope and how to push for safety in prisons.
The Vulnerability of Loving Someone in Prison
Remember, too, that as a person who loves someone in prison, you are vulnerable to guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, worthlessness and other emotions. I hope that you find people who will support you as you work though these difficulties, you deserve a meaningful life, just as your loved one does. Take care of yourself. The more you do that, the more you can take care of others, including your loved one in prison.
I hope that you, as some who loves a person in prison, can give the love and support to that person. I hope the loved one can build a meaningful life on the inside. I hope that you who loves a prison inmate can find love and support and live your life with dignity, worth, and purpose.
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